


That Time

by The_Flying_Monkey



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bittersweet, Coping, Death, Depression, Kissing, Letters, Love, M/M, Memories, Mystery, Overdose, Sad, Shakespeare, Smoking, Song fic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tangerines, Victor Is Sad, bittersweet memories, but not really, cereal boxes, drug overdose, everyone is sad, human tooth, it’s a sad party, song inspired fic, writing letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:01:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27172147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Flying_Monkey/pseuds/The_Flying_Monkey
Summary: Victor needs a healthy way to cope with Yuuri’s death and his therapist suggests writing letters to Yuuri so he can let all his feelings out. So that’s what Victor does.This fic is inspired by the song That Time by Regina Spektor
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	1. Human Tooth

Dear Yuuri,

Do you remember that time I found a human tooth down on Delancey? It was your birthday but we weren’t home. We were out traveling. You wanted to go home but we couldn’t so I tried to distract you by taking you out to dinner. It seems the only way I know how to deal with situations is to spend a lot of money. You always hated that. You were always concerned about the amount of money I spent because of how you grew up. It’s how I cope with things though. 

Anyway, I’m getting distracted. That’s normal though. You got annoyed by that too sometimes. Although, sometimes I think you appreciated me distracting you with my own distractions.

Anyway, I got distracted again. The tooth. We were heading out to dinner for your birthday. I had all the grand plans but they were all thrown out the window when I spotted something on the floor. I was immediately distracted. It looked like a tooth. A human tooth. It was so improbable though. Why would there be a human tooth there of all places? I couldn’t rest until I had solved the mystery. I pointed it out to and crouched down to get a closer look and sure enough there was a tooth. You told me to ignore it and move on but I was still curious. I picked it up and you were disgusted. You told me there was no way to tell what kind of germs were left on it. What if the person who had that tooth had a horrible disease or something? I wanted to know where it came from though.

It was your birthday though so I just put the tooth in my pocket planning to investigate more later. We finally went to dinner. You made me wash my hands before we sat down to our table. As we ate I tried to pay attention to you the way your deserve. After all you deserve the whole world Yuuri. I’m just sorry I couldn’t give it to you. Anyway, this is supposed to be a happy memory. So, I tried to pay attention to you but I just couldn’t concentrate. I could almost feel the tooth sitting in my pocket. Eventually you gave up. I thought I had been convincing but apparently I wasn’t. You noticed how distracted I was and I still remember your face then. You gave me the fondest most loving expression I’d ever seen. I still think that smile could have brought world peace and stopped world hunger if someone had photographed it and shared it with the world. It was beautiful. And it wasn’t for the world. It was for me. All the love you felt in that moment was for me and I’m so lucky that it was. I don’t think I’ll ever get that lucky again. But on that day I was lucky and as you looked at me with all that love you told me that we might as well go figure out where that tooth came from. So we stood up and left just as our drinks were coming.

But neither of us knew where to even start. Should we go to a dentist? To the police? What if the tooth belonged to a murder victim and could help in a police investigation? Or, what if we were wrong and the tooth wasn’t even human? What if it was just some animals tooth? Then we would feel like we were wasting the cops time. Not knowing what to do we tried googling it and couldn’t find any answers online either. So we went to the police. 

They told us they’d look into it and get back to us.

It wasn’t until weeks later when we were back home that I opened my email to find the police had finally gotten back to us. They told us the tooth we found was definitely a human tooth but they didn’t know how it had gotten there. The match they found was for a Mr. Trevor Scout who had died over seventy years ago. The police went to his grave and found it undisturbed. Records of his autopsy said he had been buried with all his teeth intact. There is a chance his body could have been dug up more recent to his death and so his grave had time to settle. Why somebody would dig up his grave though was a mystery and they left it at that. I was even more curious then before. I couldn’t do much about it though so you started to ask me questions about my short program for that year.

And just like that you had distracted me for once.

Anyway, I still think about that sometimes. I think about what happened to Trevor Scout and why his tooth was there on your birthday. But the memory that crosses my mind the most from that day was the look you gave me and the love I felt from it. And it reminds me how much I loved you too. And still do. I still love you so much Yuuri and I hope you always knew that like how much I knew you always loved me.

-Vitya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think this is accurate at all to what the police would do in this situation but you know. Its fiction.
> 
> Also writing this made me really sad.
> 
> Also, feel free to leave kudos and comments.


	2. Kiss

Dear Yuuri,

I really miss you. I want to hold you and kiss you and I want you to hold me and kiss me. That would be nice. Hey, remember that time we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth? We had gotten in a fight and were furious with each other. I was sleeping on the pullout couch but I was horny. So horny. I craved physical attention. I had gotten addicted to you. To always being close to you. Especially when we slept. We hadn’t slept apart of our own free will in what seemed like lifetimes. At the time I didn’t know how I had ever survived without you next to me. And the distance made me want you more. And my dick decided it wanted you too. But I couldn’t have you. You were angry at me. Angry enough to send me to the couch. So I just payed there and stared at the ceiling.

Little did I know that you wanted me too. In our bedroom you were also staring at the ceiling thinking of me while your dick stood proud and hard as a rock. Eventually you gave up. you came out into the living room and saw I was hard too. It made you want me more so you told me that you wanted me but you were still angry. You said that you’d always love me and we would figure it out but right now you just wanted to be angry but also have me. I was confused. How was that going to work? And then you said we should fuck but that we couldn’t kiss. Kissing was romantic. It was beautiful. It made you think of our first kiss on the ice. So instead of kissing you on the mouth I kissed you everywhere else. I worshipped you with kisses. Your cheek, forehead, nose, chin, neck shoulders, chest, stomach, thighs, feet, and everything. I kissed every inch of you I could get my lips on. And you did the same. You kissed me so completely that by the time you put your dick in my ass we both came almost instantly.

I know you didn’t want it to be romantic. I know that you were angry with me. But I wanted you to forgive me. I wanted to be close to you again. I wanted to show you how much I love you. So I followed your orders and didn’t kiss you on the mouth but I believe I did make it romantic. 

You might have felt differently but I believe that was the most romantic amazing sex we ever had. I hope you thought so too. Because I love you and you loved me and it was beautiful. The best makeup sex in the history of makeup sex, in my opinion at least.

-Vitya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was hard for me to decide if they should have rough angry makeup sex or loving sweet make up sex. I guess you know what I went with. I’m a sucker for fluff. Which might be hard to believe based on this fic but I promise its true. I’m just better at writing angst than fluff. I love to read fluff though. Anyway, this is whole thing now so I’ll stop.
> 
> Please kudo and comment :)


	3. Pink and Green

Dear Yuuri,

You were always the most beautiful skater I had ever seen. The way you made music with your body was otherworldly. I know you always got anxiety about it but it always took my breath away. I always wanted to help you get better and in return you helped me get better too. You helped me with inspiration. You helped me think. You helped me be a better person. Hey, remember that time when my favorite colors were pink and green?

I had seen a flower and the side of the road and fell in love with it. I still don’t know why that flower made such an impression on me but from that day onward I was obsessed. I wanted to buy whole new wardrobe with just those colors but you convinced me not to. Instead you told me to make my costumes for the next season those colors. Oh, what a great idea that was. I think you and everybody else thought that my flower costumes looked a little ridiculous but I didn’t. I loved them and still do to this day. Not as much as I love you though. Nothing could ever compare to the love I feel for you. I miss you Yuuri.

-Vitya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might be able to tell, but this chapter was really hard for me to write. That’s pretty much why its so short. I just had no ideas for this one.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading <3


	4. Tangerines

Dear Yuuri,

Hey, remember that month I only ate boxes of tangerines? So cheap and juicy. You thought I was crazy. How can a professional athlete live off that kind of diet? But I had just retired. I wanted to go crazy. I went to the store determined to buy everything that I had been denying myself for years. Right as I walked in there was a giant display of tangerines. They were just starting to come in season. I was so distracted by how delicious they looked I didn’t even think about buying anything else. I grabbed at least three or four boxes and went back home.

When I came in the door I couldn’t see your face because I had decided to carry all the boxes in at once and they were stacked above my head. I could hear the bewilderment in your voice though. Why had I bought so many? Well, I could finally eat what I wanted and what I wanted to eat were tangerines. 

For the next month that’s pretty much all I ate. I bought boxes and boxes every week when I went to the store. You tried to get me to eat other things and I would occasionally just to satisfy you and because I knew I had to try and be a little more balanced with my diet. 

You tried to make the most of it. You ate some tangerines too. And you tried to use the boxes after they were empty but eventually there were too many boxes and you gave up.

It took a while for our house to stop smelling like a strange mix of dog and oranges. 

Eventually I got sick of eating tangerines. I still remember the day I announced I wouldn’t eat another tangerine. The joy on your face made my heart soar. I said I wouldn’t eat another tangerine as long as we both shall live.

I ate a tangerine today.

-Vitya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally did not plan out the last part of this chapter. It just kind of came out of me and let me tell you. It punched me in the guts and pulled out my heart. 
> 
> I hope I’m not making anyone’s day too sad.
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos!


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Yuuri,

You and I always both loved to read. We read so many books together and if one of us read one by ourselves and enjoyed it we would almost always recommend it to the other. I remember reading Harry Potter and Twilight together. Harry Potter was better. I remember reading Pride and Prejudice and falling in love with the romance. Then we watched the super long BBC version of it and now its my favorite movie. We went on so many adventures and lived so many lives together through the books we read together. 

Hey, remember that time I would only read Shakespeare? I had read A Midsummer Nights Dream and fell in love. After that I read everything I could get my hands on. I laughed and cried and you laughed and cried with me. 

When I had read everything I could I decided to read them again. My favorites at least. And of course I started with A Midsummer Nights Dream. This time though I got an amazing idea. We would act it out! We wouldn’t just read the story, we would become a part of it. You weren’t thrilled of course but I you went along with me because you said that’s what you do for the people you love. Me as Juliet and you as Romeo. Could anything be more perfect? Except of course the part where they die at the end. 

Would you be sad if you knew I contemplated acting that one out for real? For a long time I wanted to follow you. I was ready to stab myself to be next to you again. The only thing that has held me back is the knowledge that I don’t think you would be happy to see me so soon. Even if you took it upon yourself to end your life before your time I know you wouldn’t want me to follow. I know you would want me to live a full and happy life not matter how hard it is to do so without you. After all you were always so kind to everybody you met. Everybody except yourself. 

Anyway, that’s why I’m writing these letters to you. So I can live. So when we do meet again your happy in every way. I don’t want any negative feelings to mar our reunion. 

And I’d like to end this letter happy too so...

Hey, remember that other time when I would only read cereal boxes? I had declared myself sick of reading books and thought I had read so many there wasn’t another one in the world that could interest me or bring me joy. You tried for weeks to get me to read a book you had been reading and I refused. You said it was good and that I would like it but I was determined. I don’t know what made me start to read again. It sure wasn’t you and that book. 

I never did read that book you recommended to me at the time. Even though I read every other book you read to me. Well, I’m happy to say that today I went to the library and picked it up. Yup. Your heard me. I’m finally reading Cinder. Now when we meet again you can be extra happy.

I love you Yuuri and I can’t wait to see you again. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say about the book.

-Vitya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me so happy and sad. 
> 
> I actually really haven’t read Cinder. It’s always been on my list of books to read but I’ve never gotten to it. Mostly everybody I know has read it, even my dad, but I just haven’t. The other day I was finally going to check it out from the library when I realized I don’t have a library card anymore because it was in my wallet which was stolen a few months ago. I didn’t realize until now because I haven’t gone to the library since COVID.
> 
> Anyway. Ya’ll probably don’t care about that but I hope you like this fic so far. If you did please comment and kudo :)


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Yuuri,

Hey, remember that time I tried to save pigeon with a broken wing? A street cat got him by morning, and I had to bury pieces of his body in our building’s playground. I thought I was going to be sick. All I could do was sit on the couch and think of that poor bird. 

You brought over a fluffy blanket and wrapped me up. Then you turned on some Pixar or Disney movie while you went and made some katsudon for the both of us. When you were finished you brought if over and wrapped yourself in a blanket as well. You sat down next to me and we ate katsudon together. I don’t remember what we watched but I do remember your companionship and your support. You didn’t say anything. You didn’t try to fix it because you knew it couldn’t be fixed. You just made me comfortable and stayed by my side. 

The love I felt for you that night helped me heal. I didn’t expect to feel so sad when that bird died but when I died you were there to make me feel better.

Now what am I supposed to do?

I feel sad now but there’s no one there to wrap me up, feed me, and stay by my side. I want you by my side Yuuri. More than anything. I want to talk to you and hold you. I want you to comfort me. 

And I’m so angry because you’re the reason I feel this way. You’re the reason I want you to hold me and comfort me and stay by my side. I need you to sit with me in silence. I need to you there to not say that everything is or will be okay because its not and it won’t be. You would have understood that. 

Why?

Why did you have to leave me?

I need you Yuuri.

I need you because I don’t have you.

-Vitya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter truly tore me apart while I was writing it. It was kind of subconsciously inspired by Soon You’ll Get Better by Taylor Swift ft. The Chicks. I didn’t realize until after I had written it that that’s what i was kind of thinking of. Anyway, that’s also a good song. It made me cry the first time I listened to it but its a good song.


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Yuuri,

Hey, remember that time when I would only smoke Parliaments? You got so angry when you found out. I wasn’t skating anymore, at least not professionally, but you said I should still care about my health. You said that if we wanted to grow old together I couldn’t die young from lung cancer

Hey, remember that time when I would only smoke Marlboros? You were mad I was smoking again. It didn’t matter that it was only one kind and I didn’t indulge in anything else. We had to grow old together.

Hey, remember that time when I would only smoke Camels? You gave up then. At the time I felt bad and thought you were just done with trying to convince me. I made up my mind then and there that I’d stop. I’d stop to make you happy. I’d stop so we could grow old together.

Little did I know that you had given up on more than trying to convince me to stop smoking. You had given up on everything. You’d given up on life and love. 

It hurts now when I think back on that time. I notice things in my memories that I should have noticed before. I find myself wondering if I had noticed then would things have ended up different. Would I have been able to help you? Did you want my help?

Maybe if I had stopped smoking the first time you asked. Maybe that would have saved you. Maybe it would have saved me. I’m not dead but I wish I was almost all the time.

Your the only thing keeping me alive. Do you know that?

I wish I had been enough to keep you alive.

I love you. Apparently not enough though. I’m sorry about that.

-Vitya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said the previous chapter tore me apart. Well, this one pulverized me. I had to stop and take a break and eat some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies before I could continue writing.
> 
> I’m sorry to all the people reading this who are sad because of what I wrote. If it makes you feel any better I’m making myself sad too.


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Yuuri,

I never told you this but one time I overheard you when you were having a private phone call with Phichit. You said, “Hey, remember that time when I was broke? I didn’t care, I just bummed from my friends.”

It made me realize why were so worried about money. I knew that you were worried about your parents onsen and that you didn’t have the richest childhood but that day I found out there was a point in your life when you were homeless. 

I know you. I’m sure you did care. I’m sure it tore you up inside to have to lean on your friends. I’m sure you felt like you were taking advantage of them. And I’m sure that’s how you felt a little inside every time I bought something for you. Especially something extravagant. Even if you knew that you weren’t taking advantage of me. Even if you knew that I was happy to buy things for you. 

I hope, at least, that you knew all that. I hope you knew that I would have and still would do anything for you Yuuri. I love you so much. And that is something you cannot buy. 

-Vitya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled fitting this line in because neither Victor or Yuuri were ever broke to point of having to bum from there friends but I eventually just decided that hey, its my fic, i can do whatever I want. And so I made Yuuri broke at one point.
> 
> Anywho, kudos and comments are appreciated:)


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Yuuri,

Hey, remember that time when you OD’ed? I was scared. More scared than ever before in my life. I thought I was going to lose you. I was so glad when you woke up.

Everyone was glad. Little Yura, and Phichit, and Yakov, and all your family, and Minako, and Yuuko, and the triplets and everyone. We were so happy when you woke up. 

I remember getting home and assuring your parents that I would take care of you. I promised them Yuuri. And now I can barely stand to think about them because I broke my promise. I didn’t take care of you. If I had you’d still be here I’m sure of it.

I’m sorry I failed them and I’m sorry I failed you. 

I love you Yuuri.

-Vitya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me sad thinking about all of Yuuri’s loved ones and how sad they would be if Yuuri ever did commit suicide. Then it got me thinking about my loved ones and what they would think if I ever did that. And then I thought about what I would do if someone I knew and loved committed suicide. Let’s just say I was a mess. So even though this chapter is so short there are a lot of feelings behind it.


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Yuuri,

Hey, remember that time when you OD’ed for the second time? Well, in the waiting room while waiting for new of you I hallucinated I could read your mind. And I was on a lot of shit too, but what I saw, man, I tell you it was freaky.

I saw you dead.

And you were happy. You were happy to be free from this world. And I guess I can’t blame you for that because this world is shitty sometimes. But I also saw you happy to be free from me. And I’m sure that’s not true.

At least I hope its not.

See, that’s the thing, I don’t know how you felt at the end. Was I the thing or the person that drove you too it in the end? Or was I the reason you held out for so long? I like to think it was the latter but I don’t know. 

I know we were happy and in love in the beginning. And I’d like to think that lasted until the end. But if I didn’t know that you were trying to escape this world so much what else was I missing? 

I feel horrible for doubting your love but I can’t help it. Because if you really loved me you would have stayed right? But I know that’s ridiculous and selfish so I start to think that maybe it was my love that wasn’t enough in the end. Maybe, even, my love was fake. But I hate that thought too. And having all these thoughts makes me hate you for making me think them. But I hate that most of all. I hate when I spiral so far that I start to feel like I hate you. Because even if I doubt my love for you I should never doubt the fact that I didn’t hate you. I didn’t and I don’t.

Sometimes I think about what you would say if you could talk to me still. Would you tell me that my love wasn’t enough? Would you tell me you had stopped loving me? Would you tell me that it had nothing to do with our love for each other and everything to do with everything else? 

I guess that’s my biggest question. Why?

I’ve been trying to convey my love for you in these letters. I don’t think this one succeeded very well. But I want you to know that I do love you. Even if my brain says otherwise sometimes. In my heart I have and always will love you. I loved you from the beginning and I’ll love you until the end. And I’ll love you after. When I see you again I’ll still love you. And I look forward to you loving me too.

-Vitya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we’re at the end. 
> 
> Did I make anyone cry?  
> Is it bad if I say that I hope I did. Not that I want people to be so sad that they cry but if my writing can bring that much emotion to something that would be pretty cool.
> 
> Anyway, i hope you enjoyed. As much as you can enjoy something this sad at least.
> 
> Thanks for reading! :) <3


End file.
